Allowing Children to Manage Anxiety Builds Resilience

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It's natural to want to protect our children from pain, disappointment, and frustration. When they come to us feeling anxious, our first instinct may be to remove the source of their anxiety, reassure them that there’s nothing to worry about, or distract them from their fears. While these responses come from a place of love, they can unintentionally reinforce anxiety by teaching children that discomfort should be avoided. Instead, one of the most powerful things a parent can do is help their child face their fears. This guidance fosters emotional intelligence, strengthens resilience, and equips children with the confidence to navigate life's challenges.

Accommodation Reinforces Anxious Behaviors

When a child experiences anxiety, they are often overwhelmed by uncertainty and fear. If a parent immediately steps in to solve the problem—such as by allowing them to avoid an anxiety-provoking situation or offering excessive reassurance—it can inadvertently teach the child that anxiety is something to escape rather than confront. Over time, this can reinforce avoidance behaviors, making anxiety more persistent.

Children who are encouraged to face their fears in a supportive way learn that they are capable of handling discomfort. This helps them develop coping skills that will serve them throughout their lives. Conversely, when a parent continually rescues their child from anxiety, they may struggle with self-confidence and have difficulty managing stress in adulthood. Let's take the example of Emily.

Emily, a 12-year-old girl, is terrified of speaking in front of her class. Every time her teacher announces an upcoming presentation, she feels her heart race, her stomach churn, and her mind flood with “what-ifs.”

At home, she tells her mom, “I can’t do it. I’ll mess up. Everyone will laugh at me.” Seeing Emily so distressed, her mom feels an overwhelming urge to protect her. She wants to take away Emily’s fear, so she emails the teacher, explaining that Emily has anxiety and should be excused from presenting.

Relieved, Emily avoids the presentation. Her anxiety disappears—for now.

The Cycle of Avoidance

By stepping in and removing the challenge, Emily’s mom unintentionally reinforces the idea that her fear was too big to handle. The next time a presentation comes up, Emily’s anxiety will likely be even stronger because she never had the chance to experience success. She has learned that avoiding fear makes her feel better in the short term, making avoidance her go-to coping mechanism.

Fast-forward a few years: Emily, now a teenager, still avoids public speaking. She dreads group discussions in class, avoids raising her hand even when she knows the answer, and steers clear of leadership opportunities. Anxiety has shaped her choices—not because she can’t do these things, but because she’s never had the chance to prove to herself that she can.

A Different Approach: Supporting Without Rescuing

Now, let’s imagine Emily’s mom takes a different approach. When Emily expresses her fear, her mom validates her feelings:

“I can see that this is really scary for you. It makes sense that you feel nervous about speaking in front of people.”

Instead of excusing Emily from the presentation, she helps her practice distress tolerance skills—a key component of Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT). Together, they break the challenge into smaller, manageable steps:

1. Practicing at home – Emily starts by reading her presentation aloud to her mom and then to her family.
2. Gradual exposure – She records herself speaking and listens back to build confidence.
3. Coping strategies – Emily learns breathing exercises and self-soothing techniques to manage her nerves before presenting.

On the day of the presentation, Emily is still nervous—but she does it. And when she finishes, she feels a new sense of accomplishment. The next time she faces a similar challenge, she remembers this success and approaches it with a little more confidence.

Why Facing Fears Builds Confidence

Dr. Eli Lebowitz, the developer of the SPACE (Supportive Parenting for Anxious Childhood Emotions) program at the Yale Child Study Center, emphasizes that while parents naturally wish to protect their children from distress, accommodating avoidance behaviors can inadvertently reinforce anxiety. By encouraging children to face their fears in a supportive manner, parents can help them build resilience and confidence in managing anxiety.

In an interview with NPR, Dr. Eli Lebowitz discussed the impact of parental accommodation on children's anxiety, stating: "When parents allow children to avoid all the things that make them anxious, the child doesn't have the opportunity to learn that they can handle those situations and that the anxiety will pass." ​

How to Guide Your Child in Facing Their Anxiety

1. Validate Their Feelings Without Reinforcing Fear
Instead of saying, “There’s nothing to be scared of,” try: "I know you're scared, and I also know you can handle this." Acknowledging their emotions shows them that you take their feelings seriously while reinforcing that they can handle them.

2. Encourage Gradual Exposure
Help your child face their fears in small, manageable steps rather than avoiding them altogether. For example, if your child is afraid to sit with kids at lunch, encourage them to build a connection with someone they have class with, and perhaps a friendship will develop organically, which could lead to sitting together in the cafeteria.

3. Model Healthy Coping Strategies
Children learn a great deal by observing their parents. Show them how you manage stress by practicing mindfulness, deep breathing, or positive self-talk. If you feel anxious about something, verbalize how you are working through it: “I’m feeling nervous about this meeting, but I’m reminding myself that I’ve prepared well.”

4. Encourage Problem-Solving
Instead of offering immediate solutions, guide your child in thinking through their concerns. Ask open-ended questions like:

• “What do you think might help in this situation?”
• “Have you faced something similar before? How did you handle it?”
• “What’s one small step you can take to feel more comfortable?”

This approach helps children feel empowered and develop confidence in their ability to cope.

5. Normalize Anxiety as a Natural Emotion
Let your child know that anxiety is a normal part of life and that everyone feels it at times. Explain that anxiety isn’t a sign of weakness but rather a signal from the brain that something feels uncertain or challenging. By normalizing anxiety, you help them view it as something they can manage rather than something to fear.

6. Help Them Develop a “Brave Plan”
Work together to create a simple plan for facing anxiety-provoking situations. For example, if your child fears sleeping alone, a “brave plan” might include gradually reducing the time you stay in the room each night. Having a plan gives children a sense of control and makes challenges feel more achievable.

7. Praise Efforts, Not Just Outcomes
Focus on the process of facing fears rather than whether your child succeeds perfectly. Praise their bravery and effort:

• “I’m really proud of you for trying, even though it was hard.”
• “You handled that challenge so well.”
• “Each time you face your fears, you get stronger.”

This reinforces that progress matters more than perfection.

Final Thoughts

Anxiety can be overwhelming, both for children experiencing it and for parents watching their child suffer. However, rather than trying to eliminate your child’s anxiety, guiding them to face it in a safe, supportive way is the key to helping them develop lifelong resilience. By validating their emotions, encouraging gradual exposure, and equipping them with healthy coping strategies, you empower your child to navigate their fears with confidence. In the long run, this approach helps them build the emotional strength they need to thrive in an uncertain world.

Kitty McQuaid, LPC, is owner of Resilient Minds Counseling Services in Paoli, Pennsylvania, and is trained in the SPACE treatment protocol. If you'd like more information about Parent Coaching and Therapy Support at Resilient Minds Counseling Services, contact Kitty at www.ResilientMindsCounselingServices.com.