Words Matter: How Name-Calling Damages Self-Esteem

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It’s easy to brush off name-calling as "just words" or part of normal childhood teasing. After all, didn’t we all get teased a little growing up? The fact of the matter is, name-calling can leave deep emotional scars — and the impact can stick with individuals long after the teasing stops. Research and real-world experience show that the words we hear as children, especially from those we trust, can shape how we see ourselves for years to come. Being aware how much words matter and staying mindful in how we speak to our children can have a significant impact on how they see themselves. 

How Name-Calling Hurts Self-Esteem

Self-esteem is basically how kids see and value themselves. And during the school-age and early teen years, that self-esteem is hugely influenced by the way important people — parents, teachers, friends — talk to them. When a child gets called names like "lazy," "stupid," "crybaby," or "troublemaker," it’s not just a momentary sting. If they hear those words often enough, they start to believe them.

According to the American Psychological Association, negative labeling and verbal abuse can seriously damage a child’s self-esteem and even lead to anxiety, depression, and emotional struggles later in life. In simple terms: If a child keeps hearing they’re "bad" or "not good enough," they eventually believe it — and act like it.

What the Science Tells Us

You might think, "It's just words — how bad can it be?" But science shows that verbal abuse can actually change a child’s brain. Research published in Child Maltreatment found that kids who experienced constant verbal aggression had brain changes similar to those seen in children who suffered physical abuse.

Even if there’s no physical harm, the brain reacts to harsh words like a threat. Stress hormones like cortisol flood the system. And when that kind of stress happens over and over, it can affect everything from how your child manages emotions to how they handle relationships and challenges later in life.

One Harvard study even found that verbal abuse can sometimes be more damaging than physical abuse when it comes to long-term mental health.

Where Name Calling Happens

Sadly, name-calling can happen pretty much anywhere kids spend time:

• At home: Sometimes, parents, siblings, or caregivers lash out with words when frustrated.
• At school: Bullying and teasing are still common — especially in upper elementary and middle school.
• On social media: Online teasing can follow kids home, where there’s no break from it.
• In sports or activities: Coaches and teammates sometimes use harsh language without realizing the long-term damage.

Wherever it happens, the impact can seep into every part of your child's life — their school performance, friendships, even how they see themselves deep down.

Real-Life Example: Meet Adam

Adam is an 8-year-old with lots of energy and a big personality. Sometimes he acts impulsively at school — talking out of turn, forgetting homework. Frustrated, his teachers and even his parents start labeling him "difficult," and he even overhears them call him a "problem child."

At first, Adam tries to prove them wrong. But after hearing it enough, he starts to believe it. He pulls back. He stops trying. "If everyone thinks I’m trouble," he reasons, "why bother being good?" By middle school, Adam sees himself as "the bad kid" — not because he is bad, but because that’s the story the world told him.

Why Kids Are So Vulnerable

Kids and teens are still building their identity. They take the feedback they get — especially from the adults and peers they care about — and use it to decide who they are.

Psychologist Dr. Martin Seligman, a leader in positive psychology, explained that when kids hear mostly negative feedback, they’re more likely to develop learned helplessness — the belief that no matter what they do, they can't succeed or change.

If a child is called "dumb" enough times, they might stop trying in school. If a child is labeled "too sensitive," they might shut down emotionally instead of learning healthy ways to express themselves. In short: Name-calling isn't harmless teasing — it teaches kids how to see themselves.

Long-Term Effects Can Linger

The damage doesn’t magically disappear when a child grows up. Many adults who were victims of frequent name-calling as kids struggle with:

• Low self-esteem and self-doubt
• Difficulty trusting or forming close relationships
• Higher risks of anxiety, depression, and PTSD
• Self-sabotage and fear of failure
• Substance abuse or self-harm in severe cases

The words kids hear now can shape their futures — for better or worse.

How Parents Can Break the Cycle

The good news? You can help rewrite the story for your child — starting today.

1. Be Mindful of Your Words

Even when you’re frustrated, focus on the behavior, not the child. Instead of, "You’re so lazy," try: "It looks like you're having a hard time getting started. Let’s figure it out together."

2. Repair When Needed

We all slip up sometimes. If you say something hurtful, apologize:

"I'm sorry I called you that. You’re not a bad kid — I was upset, but that’s not who you are." Modeling accountability is powerful.

3. Focus on Strengths

Balance feedback by noticing the good: 

"I love how creative you are."
"You worked really hard on that project!"

Positive words help kids build a strong, balanced self-image.

4. Teach Healthy Emotional Expression

Show your child how to handle anger and disappointment without name-calling — and encourage them to express their own feelings safely.

5. Get Support If Needed

If you notice your child struggling with self-esteem, anxiety, or withdrawal, don’t wait. A licensed therapist can help both your child and your family develop healthier communication patterns.

Final Thoughts

"Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me." We know 

now — that’s just not true. Words have power. They can either build our children up or slowly chip away at their sense of self. As parents, we have the amazing opportunity — and responsibility — to use our words to encourage, support, and strengthen our kids for the future ahead.